How Was Your Summer?

If I had the time the time to go around asking people what their summers were like I totally would have done that. But of course, I didn’t have the time, nor was I going to meet someone just to ask how their summer was. People have lives to live.

Instead I imagine alternative summers and make mental notes of them. And here they are. (One of them is actually me) 


“Summer was intense. It came and went pretty fast because I was always on the move, always doing something. It was somewhere in the middle of May when I was flown off on an internship in Mumbai, India. It had to do with telemarketing, and I thought I would be fine with it when I signed up. But that was back then, in my foolish past. I remember packing the night before and frantically texting my friends, practically panicking, worried that I wouldn’t be okay out there. There are a lot of bad things that could happen to one when they are overseas, and I didn’t want to be one of those foolish enough to try and get hurt. But of course, here I am now, safe and back home. None of what I imagined happened. I must admit, India was exactly how I thought it would be, except there was no Holi festival at that time (Laughs). But no, seriously, I went to work everyday feeling more and more confident, though I knew I had a lot to catch up on. The streets were dirty compared to back home, but everything functioned spectacularly. The locals are way more hardworking than I ever could be. Granted, they don’t have the same reliable resources that I did back home, but something about them spoke of limitless desire. I still can’t place it till today, and since I’m already back maybe I never will. Also, remember to eat only cooked food in India. Not that it’s spectacularly unhygienic, but it’s quite a leap for our immune systems to go about eating fresh vegetables there. I suffered the consequences, but I’m okay now.”

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“There was a one month period during my summer that some may say was sort of wasted. I don’t know, it doesn’t look like I did much, but it felt like little steps towards growth for me. During the whole month I would wake up every day at about eight, cook breakfast for myself (usually scrambled eggs on toast with cherry tomatoes), then read a few chapters of a book in the mid morning. Then I would visit the local supermarket, buy some groceries, then cook pasta for lunch (always pasta, nothing else). Afternoon will see me either writing something personal, reading more, or going for a long run. What I’d do without those long runs. At night I may meet my friends who have gotten off work, or spend time with my family. It seems like a total waste of time but in those months I learnt something important; to give time to myself and slow down to an almost halt. I felt a lightness that I’d never known before, and it was great. Also, I mastered 6 different pasta recipes (Carbonara, Aglio Olio, Bolognaise, seafood Marinara, prawn basil cream and Vongole) and got myself back to consistently running again. There’s no other way I would have spent that portion of summer; cooking, reading, running.”

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“Summer was terrible. I spent my three months in an internship that I didn’t like at all, with people I am certain I will never see again in my life. Worst of all, I mixed up the submissions and got allocated an internship in Woodlands when I lived in Bukit Timah. I wake up at seven every day just to get to work by eight thirty, squeezing onto that sardine can of a bus. I flounder about pretending to get myself a hot beverage at the pantry before work finally reaches me. It’s not that I’m paid a whole lot too, only about nine-hundred a month. My friends are earning much more, and tell me that this isn’t worth it. But exposure is important, everyone says. I mean, to be fair, I still don’t know what I really want, but I all I know is that this doesn’t feel like it. But yet I have to do it, because who knows? Maybe life is going to be like this for the next thirty years, just me cooped up in an office job that I don’t like, with a group of bitchy people that I can hardly talk to about anything other than the weather and traffic. It sucks, but this may very well be the rest of our lives. Passion can only bring you so far, and summer has shown me that.”

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“I spent my summer largely travelling. I saved up quite a lot from a bunch of odd jobs I did over the semester and so I had some to spare. My parents even offered to sponsor some cash for the trips, but I politely declined. Anyhow, I travelled with a few friends at first, and then myself. We did a little round trip first around Europe, starting in Germany then hooking east to Austria, Czech republic, Hungary, Poland, France then London. Most memorable was the Auschwitz concentration camp memorial, where some of the most horrific events in human history occurred. In World War Two Jews were treated like cattle, herded efficiently into large gas chambers where they were tricked into thinking were large showers. The entire ground looked like an army camp, sanitised and inconspicuous. It showed me that evil can exist in any form, and called for tremendous reflection. I was humbled by how small I was in the grand scheme of things, just one life that was lucky enough to have an opportunity to thrive. We walked around for hours, none of us uttering a word to each other.

What’s good about travelling with friends is that you end up knowing almost everything about them, even things you haven’t before. I have known this bunch since secondary school but somehow one night we had a discussion and we talked about the things we wanted to achieve by thirty and most of the answers came as pretty unexpected. It makes me wonder if we know anything important about each other at all. Travelling (and maybe summer) grants us this opportunity for reunion with the people we choose to be around. The rug is swept from under our feet and only we remain, just people floating in some weird space.

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Writing the above made me feel strangely self-centred, because like it or not, my attempts at fiction somehow or rather always revolve around me. It’s as if I can’t escape from my own humanness and truly step into someone else’s shoes. I wear my identity like a second skin. To be fair, a lot of us try. We say that we can imagine how it feels, or how someone feels but this couldn’t be further from the truth. We can only approach understanding, but never ever understand anything in its fullest. To fully understand is to attain perfection, and if this summer has taught me anything, it is that no one’s narrative is perfect. We just find our own peace with how we choose to manage our time and our relationships, and live it out. 

School starts in eight days, and the show must go on.

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What Happened on Sunday Morning

The starting gun goes off at about 6:30 in the morning, and I am excited. It doesn’t take more than 5 seconds to get past the start line from where I stand in the start pen, and before I know it, I am in full stride, with the morning wind blowing in my face. All of us are running down Nicoll Highway and I feel good, with lots of energy in my legs and my breathing is stable. I remind myself that only 50 meters have passed, and that 9950 meters lie ahead.

My pre race routine has been largely contrived out of a series of past failures involving too little sleep, the wrong breakfast, the wrong methods of hydration and improper stretching. Today I am smarter; I wake up at 5 am with 7 hours of sleep in my veins and I pop two slices of banana walnut bread, before drinking a mixture of water and Pocari Sweat. The previous night had me icing my legs and massaging any sore spots. I also remind myself that this was my first race in a little over two years. How it got to that, I will elaborate on a few kilometres down the road. Now, back to the run.

There are a barrage of runners vying to get into good positions, overtaking, squeezing and jostling about the first one kilometre or so. No one seems to be settling down to their actual race pace, because I can see in the way they run that they’re straining pretty hard. Maybe it’s the adrenaline, maybe it’s the herd mentality. People don’t want to look like they’re losing out in any way. I keep my pace in check, looking at my watch and guessing what distance I’m at, what pace I’m running. I don’t have a GPS watch so I do all this with experience, measuring out stride and distance, and with reference to the occasional distance markers that pop out every kilometre.

Passing the national stadium and across the bridge to marina barrage had me at 3km with a timing of 12:09. This is too fast, it seems, for I am going at just a little over four minutes per kilometre. Put this into a 2.4km context and you’ll get roughly 9:40. My mind tells me to slow down, but my body feels totally fine. I’m still maintaining a good breathing tempo, and the best part was, I wasn’t even trying that hard. I felt like there were tougher sections of the race still to come.

At 4km my timing was 16:12, still a hair above 4 minutes per kilometre but a good indication that I was still fine was the fact that I bothered checking my watch for the pace. I turned my head and looked at the view to my right, the sun slowly making its way above the horizon as it lit up the Singapore skyline which reflected itself off the Singapore river. Everything was in various shades of blue. The foliage on the left gave off a pleasant scent that was almost sweet, yet strangely damp. What a privilege it is to run.

5 kilometres passed in 20:10, and to my pleasant surprise I was still overtaking people. I figured that if I ran faster for the second half of the run, that I could potentially go under forty minutes. I struggled with that mindset, debating silently on whether I should (literally) make a run for it. It seems strange that I would even consider not running faster, because to the observer it’s very easy to say “Just run faster lah, what’s the harm?” But I know after some experience that running fast too early in the race can incur the greatest of harms. You could slow down at the end, be overtaken by a few runners and end your race disastrously. Or worst, you could hit the wall altogether and start walking. I had already ignored 2 water points and overtaken some of the more overzealous runners who suddenly felt like they needed a drink, all just to keep to my pace. I was finally running across Marina Barrage, towards Gardens by the Bay. I gave speeding up some thought, keeping my eye on the runner in front of me. He was a bearded guy and breathing intensely but keeping a good pace. Most of the runners fade out around here, but this guy was a fighter, not allowing me to overtake him as we proceeded on our mid-race jostle. I had half a mind to start a conversation but I decided that there were better places for that. We took turns leading (it sounds like a dance but feels nothing like it, mainly because I can’t really dance) and eventually ended up shoulder to shoulder by 6km.

We passed the 6km mark and I looked at my watch. It said 23:58. I had sped up to go under the magic 4 minute per kilometre pace without even meaning for it, all because I was trying to chase this guy over the past kilometre. Both of us proceeded to overtake one female runner of African origin, and then a tall Caucasian male, before we hit the end of the garden and onto East Coast Parkway, parallel to the Helix Bridge and with Marina Bay Sands to my back. It was on this uphill that I passed the seven kilometre mark, and finally managed to shrug off the bearded guy. I don’t mean to frame him as a villain or anything, but there’s some satisfaction in saying goodbye to a guy who you’ve been trying to chase for a few kilometres on end.

But of course, it all came at a price. I didn’t check my timing at seven kilometres, and I was beginning to lose my running form. My breathing was harder and more irregular and I was grimacing. Basically, I was slowly dying. The only remedy for this sort of exhaustion would be to get to the finish line as soon as possible. Three kilometres left, and I told myself that I could do it, though through the pain it was hard to see a way this could end well.

As if on cue the Caucasian man I overtook earlier overtook me to my left. He had a manic look in his eyes, and with more than two kilometres to the finish line he was leaving everything he had on the roads. I followed him intensely at first but my breath soon got out of hand, and I slowed a little. I looked around desperately for the 8km mark, but there was none. I swung my arms harder and reached the water point ahead.

I grabbed a cup of water, and mustered all the previous experiences of drinking water whilst running to take a gratuitous sip, before pouring the rest of the water on my head. The water lapped my face and flowed down my chest like it does in seductive shampoo commercials though I looked neither fragrant, clean, nor seductive. I noticed that the Caucasian guy slowed down to grab a sip and so I ran right past him! Yes, this was my time to shrug him off.

But of course, that didn’t happen. He was back at it again, overtaking me from the right this time, and I got down to chasing him, staring at a particular spot on the back of his running singlet and listening to the sound of his pant legs rubbing against each other, a sound of pure inefficiency with the moist friction creating a squishy sound. I stared long and hard at his back, reducing this man into these two concepts of sight and sound and just chasing after them. 8 kilometres had passed and certainly there was no marker, so I had no choice but to wait for the 9 km sign.

The man suddenly sped up. The back of his singlet got further and further from me, the sound of his squishy pants fading. It didn’t look as if I could catch him. Then 9km passed by, and I glanced at my watch. 36:16. I had slowed down considerably, and calculating the odds of going under 40 minutes, I realised I had to run under 3:44 for the last kilometre.

I just couldn’t do it, I told myself. It was already quite a chore having to maintain a 4 minute per kilometre pace, and the fact that I hadn’t managed to do it by nine kilometres definitely meant something. Besides, I just came back from a yearlong injury, I couldn’t expect myself to suddenly surge to a good timing so quickly. I had to take it slow, take it slow, take it slow.

To be honest the past year had passed by in stages leading up to me running again. I rested for a good portion of 2015, and the first few months of 2016, not running at all and not doing any impact sports (not like I was good at any). Like I said, this was the first race I had participated in in 2 years. The last run was back in the end of June 2014, where I blazed to a personal best 10km and got injured soon after that. I did get the coveted under 40 minutes I was dying for, but I got injured for almost 2 years after that. It was not worth it. I tried to run, again and again, giving myself excuses, finding shortcuts that involved anything but giving my injury time. That was the first stage, that of denial. When I finally accepted that I couldn’t run without risking permanent injury came the second stage, that of pity. I stopped exercising and developed a hodgepodge of bad habits all in the name of resignation. Then at the start of this year I decided to reform myself. That was the third stage, where I started doing meaningful Calisthenic workouts and going for swims at least twice a week. I signed up for physio sessions once a fortnight and understood the limitations of my body. I felt fitter, fell into better habits and waited patiently for my body to heal. And heal it did. By March this year I started to run again, but besides running I had picked up all these lessons along the way about how to respect a body that needed it. To accept my body for its limitations and work with them. Besides running I had been doing other things like underwater jogging, strength workouts and some specialised stretching, all in the bid to get back to shape. It has worked so far, and I have learned that determination and discipline go beyond the time between putting on your running shoes and taking them off. For discipline to be effective, it has to become a lifestyle.

To put it simply, I am learning how to be a strong runner, and not just a fast one.

I looked as the Caucasian man ran further and further away and smiled to myself. It’s okay, I thought. Another day will come and another battle will be fought. We can lose some of our battles and still end up as whole people. Of course, that wasn’t exactly what I thought, but I rationalised that it would be ok to let this one go. I ran up the remaining section of the park connector, that led to a road. Around the bend to the final stretch, I looked at my watch and it barked back the timing: 38:30, one and a half minutes to 40:00. That was when all rationality flew out the window.

One minute and thirty seconds feels like forever when you’re in a planking position, or stuck in a boring class. But if you have the right amount of adrenaline and are sprinting for the finish, one and a half minutes collapses upon itself and feels like a much, much shorter amount of time. After turning into the final bend, something clicked and I just went for it. The cries of caution left my head. I suddenly believed that I could do this; that I could actually go under forty. The Caucasian man was a good forty meters in front of me by now, but that didn’t bother me in the least. I was in the zone, the crazy part of the workout where you’re in the last set but you somehow manage to squeeze out enough to produce a last minute sprint or in the dying seconds of a game where you score a miracle last minute goal. It was that sort of frenzied determination that ran through my veins. In many ways it’s better to chase than to lead, one being that you have a higher chance of realising your full potential.

I stared at the man from afar and crunched my face in pain. 40 meters became thirty, then became 20. I was running out of real estate before the finish line, but my legs gave it a final push. I stared intently at the back of his singlet. My calves burned with lactic acid and desire, and my lungs were on the edge of collapse. My heart felt light.

I overtook him with about 10 meters left, and crossed the finish line smiling.

That was about the same time I stopped the watch and looked at my timing.

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Shaking hands with all the relevant parties that crossed the finish line soon after, I left the finishers area feeling like I had just taken part in something very special. I think for most people who observe us running, the activity we partake in will always be just as it is, a run, one that we drag themselves up on lonely Sunday mornings to suffer in. For me, and for us runners it is very different. What happened on Sunday morning was the absolute triumph of patience and dedication that I observed in every last runner before and after me. There were determined faces; those that panted and strained and had the courage to go out hard. But more than just the running, for me this run was about the not running, about the time I had waited to finally get back on track and do the thing I loved, and feel good about it. I know I would have felt the same way whether I went under forty minutes or not, for what are numbers when placed beside the determination of the human heart? I would have been proud of myself for at least trying, proud for sticking it out with my broken bones.

In running you never ever get there, and you never ever win. Even if you win a race, there’s a faster version of yourself waiting somewhere down the road, and it’s always going to be up to you to chase him. If there’s anything that running has taught me it’s this: that human potential is limitless.

After collecting the complimentary finishers medal I had the privilege of watching the sun slowly rise from behind a dark blue horizon. It slowly edged its way out like a koi reaching its mouth up for floating fish food, emerging from murky waters with a hue of brilliant orange. It lit up the entire sky as more and more runners finished their race, almost like a well-timed grand finale. Soon the entire sky was a bright yellow, shining brilliantly, brightly, warming the earth and her sweaty human bodies, alive with running.

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