When people ask me how I am I’ll always tell them the obvious, that things are ok. Even when my close friends ask me what’s up I wouldn’t make too much of a fuss. I’m ok, im always ok. But to be honest, October was one hell of a month, and not in a good way. I felt like someone took a roll of cling wrap and wrapped it around me a few times and that all my actions were limited by screechy transparent film. Perhaps I’m the only one that feels this way.
I am confused as to why I feel like this, and by this I mean…what do I mean? I think how I feel is best characterised by a mixture of bad decisions (late nights, poor time management and that one shot too many) and a severe lack of motivation which I am finding trouble diagnosing. Besides, understanding yourself is one of the hardest things in the world, remember that.
A lot of what I write is very solution centred, I try to get to the bottom of things and find ways in which to combat sloppiness and inconsistency. I would love to do that for this case, but I feel like any answer I give would be trite and difficult to carry out under the watchful eye of reality. I spent the entire October feeling unwell, first from a raving diarrhoea I brought home from my overseas travels, then from a crippling throat infection that lasted for a week before evolving into a cough that lasted for three. I am grateful not for my perseverance, but for the people around me who not only put up with my lessened self but also offered care and concern in more ways than one. These little acts have salvaged my October more so than they’d imagine and I feel imensely grateful for everything they’ve done, from offering medicine and taking down notes. It was misery at worst, hopefulness at best. Everything in between was what made my October.
Now I’ve come to November. The desolte land of November. Like a golfer picking a golf club before a shot, I’d like to pick a lesson I’ve learnt from the past, that whatever good you’ve done would be rendered for naught if you mess up just once. I’d like to take that notion very seriously, heading into all the final papers, the final Octant issues and the final everything. The desire to not mess things up is great, and I feel like this last stretch should be run with heart, lest my legs are unable to get me there. Judging by all that I’ve been through, this should turn out to be a gross overdramatisation of how things really stand, but I’d be happy to let these absurd metaphors guide the way. I don’t think reality has anything left to motivate me anymore, so let these little analogies pave the way for something great.
Be good, November, and leave something for me to smile back on.